(c) 2020 Ann Babiarz & Associates LLC
Are you a “yes” person? If so, I bet you take pride in pleasing those around you. Great job! Kudos to you for the daily sacrifices you make in order to make sure that everyone is happy. Everyone ELSE that is.
So why do you do it? Why put everyone else first and yourself last? For some, saying yes is a habit; for others, it is almost an addiction that makes them feel that they need to be needed and as though they are contributing to someone else’s life. What gives?
One reason that people-pleasers do this is that they crave outside validation. Their confidence (which is what they lack at the core) is based upon getting the approval of others. They worry about things like how others will view them if they say NO. They fear being seen as lazy, uncaring, selfish or egocentric and that they will be disliked and shunned from a group (whether it be family, friends or co-workers).
If this is you, you may be cutting your life short. It is important to realize that people-pleasing can have serious risks. Not only does it put a great deal of stress on you, but you can essentially make yourself ill by doing too much. If you are overcommitted, you could be sacrificing your health, finances or important relationships in your life because you are on overload.
What is it going to take for you to start putting your lips together and saying the word NO?
Here are some tips for getting yourself back to the top of your list:
- Realize that the choice is yours. Stop being an automatic “YES” machine. It will take training, but you can do it one decision at a time.
- Decide what should be on your absolute YES list. Take the time to examine your values (if you an exercise for doing so, please send an email to ann@annbabiarz.com and I will provide it to you). When you know your values, you can then determine what your priorities and goals are. From there you can set priorities and how best to spend your time. If something doesn’t stand out as an absolute YES, it should be a NO. Asking yourself, “What are the most important things to me?” will help you sort this out.
- Give yourself time to respond to commitment requests. It’s perfectly OK to say that you will need to time to consider the request and to ask for details. As you contemplate whether you will offer your assistance, ask yourself questions like:
- How stressful is this going to be?
- What is the time commitment?
- Do I have the time?
- What do I have to take off of my plate in order to do this?
- Am I likely to be upset with the person who is asking?
- Asking yourself these questions is important because very often after you’ve said yes or helped out, you’re left wondering , “What was I thinking?”
- If the person needs an answer right away, your auto answer can be a resounding NO. Once you say yes, you’re stuck. By saying NO automatically, you leave yourself the option to say yes later if you’ve realized that you’re available.
- Set a time limit. If you agree to help out, limit your time-frame. Let the person know your exact availability.
- Create a mantra. A phrase that can you do to stop yourself from the practice of people-pleasing when you see that certain friend who can always talk you into something.
- Put your lips together and say NO with conviction. Be firm, but nice. The first NO is the most difficult. However, once you navigate your first bump in the road, you will be well on your way to getting off the “yes” treadmill. Remember that you are saying NO for good reasons. You will now have time to yourself and for the people you really want to help.
- Don’t provide a litany of excuses. It’s tempting to defend your solution to say no to someone so that they understand your reasoning. This usually backfires. Don’t complain, don’t explain.
Changing from a people-pleaser to taking self-care is an important step for a fulfilling life, with enriching relationships instead of draining ones.