Happy Festivus everyone!
Traditionally celebrated on December 23, this faux holiday was popularized by an episode of the Seinfeld series in which the character Frank Costanza torments his son George with various festivities. Interestingly, Festivus was not invented by the Seinfeld series. Writer Daniel O’Keefe’s family had created this event years earlier. O’Keefe’s son was one of the writers of the Seinfeld episode where the holiday made its appearance. That television show added new Festivus practices to those of the original O’Keefe family observance.
Decorating the house meant a 6-foot tall unadorned aluminum pole. The Festivus dinner included the airing of the grievances: a declaration by each family member about how various people had disappointed over the past year. Festivus could not end without the feats of strength, during which the head of the household had to be wrestled to the ground and pinned. And finally, there were everyday occurrences recast as Festivus miracles, so proclaimed by the observer.
But if you are dealing with a narcissistic family member, the winter holidays may be a time in which you witness a Festivus “miracle” of your own.
Many professionals who deal with narcissistic personality disorder suggest to family members that the healthiest way to deal with an individual who exhibits these behaviors is to sever contact (often termed as going “no-contact”). Unless and until the person with the narcissistic personality disorder recognizes the issue within themselves (which is rare), and seeks help, your relationship with them will forever be mired in misery, guilt, and unhappiness.
If you have broken contact with the narcissist in your family, the most common time you will hear from them will be around the holidays. You may get a Christmas card in the mail or may hear from others about Facebook posts where the narcissist is showing the world how awesome her holidays are. Or maybe you’ll even get a personal note or letter or an email or text.
Although these may seem like sincere attempts, they are nothing more than a chimera, a Festivus miracle. Instead, it may be that what the narcissist is trying to do is to engender false guilt within you. Their notes may ask why they don’t hear from you. The Facebook posts may include holiday gatherings with others. Or you may even receive the most insidious of holiday cards from the narcissist: the one including multiple photos of himself, and perhaps his family, all seemingly having fun without you.
Remember that narcissists don’t do intimacy, responsibility or obligation. It’s all about them. The narcissist is simply seeking attention in one form or another. Or, the narcissist may be trying to ruin your holidays. Either way is okay with them.
So this holiday season – whether your holiday of choice is Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Festivus, remember that airing of the grievances about your narcissistic friend or family member isn’t healthy. And don’t fall into the trap of erroneous guilt or believing the miracle that the narcissist is recognizing the error of his ways and is seeking your good graces again. Create your own traditions for however you celebrate the winter holiday season. If you made the decision to sever ties with the narcissist, your holidays will likely be more peaceful and joyful if you continue upon that path.
However, in the off-chance you find yourself faced with making the choice about whether to spend time with your crazy-making narc, putting your lips together and saying “NO” is one of the most powerful things you can do. Remember that you always have a choice. Solid self-care is saying “Yes” selectively and “No” deliberately to each invitation and expectation. Focus on what you are and are not willing to do, give, see, or say. Saying “yes” to everything is a recipe for overwhelm, exhaustion, and resentment. However saying “no” to everything could leave you isolated. Try to avoid knee-jerk reactions that back you into a corner by knowing your “why” and putting a bit of time between the request and your answer. Doing so will help you decide what the answer should be. In other words, if it is not an absolute yes, it should be a “NO.”
1 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Festivus , retrieved on December 22, 2019.
2 ibid
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