Happy Thanksgiving!
I hope this finds you all very well and enjoying a laugh over the title of this newsletter. I know I did. Trust me, it would have gotten my attention too if it wasn’t my newsletter.
While everyone else is talking about gratitude, I chose to talk about something else. Being grateful is something we should all engage in each and every day, not just Thanksgiving.
After all, the Universe loves a grateful heart and a good laugh!
In Light,
Ann M. Babiarz
PCC, CPC, CEIC, ELI-MP
WHEN YOUR BUT GETS IN THE WAY!
Hey, I got your attention, didn’t I? Now go back and read how I spelled the word “but” in the title.
WHEN YOUR BUT GETS IN THE WAY!
Hey, I got your attention, didn’t I? Now go back and read how I spelled the word “but” in the title.
That’s better. We are now on the same page!
As we walk this path we call life, most of the greatest joys and biggest sorrows are derived from our interactions with other fellow human travelers. Whether or not we can attain a “10” on our life satisfaction scale (calibrated from 1 to 10), depends upon our perception of the outcomes from these interactions.
The key to moving up the scale towards that 10 is not whether you have the best of circumstances, a Warren Buffet-style bank account, or movie-star good looks. The key is relating to persons, places, and things with what social scientists term emotional intelligence, or EI for short. Salovey and Mayer, pioneers in the field, define EI as: “The ability to perceive emotion, integrate emotion to facilitate thought, understand emotions and to regulate emotions to promote personal growth.” Now that’s quite a mouthful! Emotional intelligence, unlike traditional measures of intelligence such as IQ, can be learned as a set of skills. Some theorists believe that IQ stabilizes during adolescence, while others posit that IQ can be increased after that point. There is agreement, however, that with emotional intelligence, there are no such lim its.
So here’s a quick lesson in emotional intelligence. In today’s combative and polarizing environment, one of the most combative and polarizing words is the word “but.” When you say the word “but”, you in essence, negate everything you’ve said prior to it (I like this, but…..).
Say you’re in a local establishment, listening to a band cover the extensive catalogue of the Beatles. The gentleman next to you appears to be nodding his head to the music (although it could be the evening’s libations). You turn to him and say, “I like the Beatles, but the Rolling Stones are better.” Now, the individual next to you might agree with you, or he may view your statement as a challenge. By the way, challenges do not necessarily end well in this type of setting.
Suppose instead, you turn to your fellow head-banger, and say, “I like the Beatles, and the Rolling Stones.” This sounds like less of a challenge doesn’t it?
While the foregoing silly example is just that, I hope it illustrates a simple point. Any time in conversation you find yourself wanting to use the word “but”, try substituting the word “and” instead. It takes a little practice, but you can do it! Over time, as you find yourself “butting” into the middle of your conversations with others less often. You will find that interacting with them, especially if you disagree with a viewpoint they may be expressing, is far more pleasant.
Congratulations! You’ve increased your emotional intelligence, simply by changing one word.
Want to know more about emotional intelligence? I am an EI certified Coach and can help you with the skills.